Steven Wright's Stuff - part 2

Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

Do they give pilots crash courses in flight school?

My grandfather likes to give me advice, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

Something's wrong with my television set. I got C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman

I'm at Seaworld at a seafood restaurant. I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.. .. .. I could be eating a slow learner.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.

When you're in school, and there's a fire alarm you have to line up in a single file line from shortest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, 'Give me two boys and a girl.'

Why don't they just make mouse flavored cat food?

I'm a peripheral visionary. I see far into the future.... Just way off to one side.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

Just imagine if birds were allergic to feathers.

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked, "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year".

I went to a restaurant that serves 'Breakfast At Any Time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My friend got arrested for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I was born by Cesarean section. But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang 'Happy Birthday'.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Now I drive down the street with a herd of deer chasing me.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If a parsley farmer loses a law suit, do they garnish his wages?

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays 'Helter Skelter'.

part 1 -part 2 -part 3

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