Steven Wright's Stuff - part 1

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Is "tired old cliche" one?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, "Up Over" ?

Was it somebody's cruel idea to put an "S" in the word "LISP" ?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

How come hotdogs come in 6 packs but the buns come in 8 packs?

Whatever happened to Preparations "A" through "G" ?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

What happens if you put a slinky on an escalator?

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

The sky already fell. Now what?

Should crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually.

I have an inferiority complex. But it's not a very good one.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Why isn't the word, 'phonetically' spelled with an ' f '?

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

I knew a guy who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If you are sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

part 1 -part 2 -part 3

PREVIOUS | NEXT | RANDOM | INDEX