Weekend Update with Norm Macdonald

"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student.... LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, 'the greatest teacher of all time!'"

"David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in unabomber defendant Ted Kaczynski, said he plans to share the $1 million reward with the bombing survivors. He said roughly $400,000 will go to the bombing victims, and the other $600,000, he will blow on whores and cocaine."

"In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory--women can't drive."

"This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, REALLY gay."

"Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so soon, Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose his looks."

"Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips, says that her talk show will be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them."

"Kenny G released his Christmas album this week: 'Happy birthday, Jesus.. hope you like crap!'"

"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."

"Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."

"Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up.... killing three people at once."

"Who are safer drivers? Men, or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. [Crowd groans.] For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you? [Laughter] Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women."

"O.J. Simpson did not spend Mothers Day with his children. When asked about it, he replied, 'Duh! Because I killed their mother!' "

"Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes for 45 minutes."

"The Beatles first new song in over 25 years, 'Free as a Bird,' just came out and it's just been discovered that there's a secret message by John Lennon when you play the song backwards. The message is 'This song sucks!'"

"In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat."

"The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack."

"A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to dial 911. Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address 'woof, woof.' "

"Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage were mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story: Hammer has an entourage!"