Deep Thoughts And Quotes - Part 1

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

14% of Americans surveyed agree that Puerto Rico should not be the 51st state because "that extra star would make the flag look bad."

23% of Perot voters say, "The candidate I vote for usually loses."

17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in the face for $50.

28% of Americans think that our army's high-tech military equipment is too expensive to risk in combat.

One third of American women agree that baseball was more exciting when it was on strike.

When Ford Motor Company began marketing their popular Pinto in Brazil years ago, they were puzzled by terrible sales. Things improved when they changed the name to Corcel, which means "steed." Pinto is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals..."

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Rehab is for quitters.

God bless Darwin.

Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not some kind of medical technician!

YOU! OUT OF THE GENE POOL!

Stock up and save. Limit one.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

I discovered today that goldfish do not like jello.

Screw the planet, save yourself.

What is another word for synonym?

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands out with soap?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If a funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their lights off?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.