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Steven Wright's Stuff - part 3If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper. What's another word for Thesaurus? When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie? You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? How can there be self-help 'groups'? My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York. Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? One time I went to a museum where all the work on display had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually. Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks. If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it a joke? How do you write zero in Roman Numerals? Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections? Why are there braille dots on the keypads at drive up ATMs? My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
One day I got on the bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi', And she said, 'Hi', and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?'. And she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well, sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein.'.
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